Israel and his family went to a place where he built a bunch of shelters. Of course, they creatively named it Succoth (shelters). Then, Israel set up camp on the edge of Shechem city and bought land from Hamor. He set up an altar there, named El Elohe Israel (Mighty is the God of Israel).
After shenanigans in Shechem, starting with the rape of Israel’s daughter and ending in some malicious circumcising and the murder of an entire village’s men, Israel decided it was a good idea to get moving again.
God said, “Hey, Israel, it’s me again. You should go to Bethel and build an altar there.”
“You mean the place where I poured oil on the Memory Stone Pillow?”
“Exactly. That was weird, dude.”
Israel told his family to throw out or recycle all the foreign gods they stole from their travels and purify themselves. “Especially you, Reuben, you’re stinky. Go take a bath or put on some deodorant.” “But Dad! Deodorant hasn’t been invented yet!”
“And take out all your earrings. Then we’ll do what God told me because He’s basically been my fairy Godmother this whole time.” He took all the family’s possessions that were impure and buried them under an oak tree. Then, he took his group and they arrived in Bethel. They built the altar and named it El Bethel (honestly, ‘untitled’ would have been an edgier name).
God appeared again (perhaps in another poof of smoke) and said, “So, I know your name was Jacob before but now, it’s officially Israel. It will even say Israel on your camel riding license, so you don’t have to go to the DMH—Department of Mobile Herds. Those lines are so long. You know, Lucifer replicates what they do there in Hell. One of his fave tortures, I hear.”
“Oh, man, I need to pray more. I really don’t wanna go to hell.” “Don’t worry. Just multiply your Israel genes. Tell your kids to have more kids. Nations and kings will descend from your body.”
“That sounds painful.” Israel flinched. “Dude, you’re not the one giving birth. Anyway, I give the promised land to your forefathers, to you, and to your descendants.” Then, God disappeared.
“Land is great, but I really wish He would stop disappearing before I get a chance to ask questions.”
Jacob followed God’s commands, putting up another pillar where God was and putting a stone on it. He poured wine on it (the good stuff, not box wine) and some more olive oil.
He returned to his family’s camp and they sat around the fire, told stories, and ate stew. He wrapped his arms around his wives and watched his sons wrestle over the stew. Israel finally felt like he was home.
That Israel has a tough life !