Israel saw the shadows and heard the heavy hooves of Esau and his four hundred men pounding on the hills getting closer. He divided his family—favorite to least favorite, like any model dad. The servants and their kids took the front, then Leah and her kids, then Rachel and Joseph. That way, if Esau started decapitating people, he would only decapitate the ones in the front and Israel’s faves could escape. Israel went to the front and bowed seven times to Esau (because eight would be over the top).
Esau ran towards Israel, making him flinch, but Esau threw his arms around him in a big, furry bear hug, kissing him. That was anticlimactic. The two cried, realizing how much they missed each other. Esau surveyed Israel’s family and said, “Dude, who are these hot chicks with you? And the boys.”
“My family, given to me from God.”
“Whaaat? You’re telling me these guys are angels? OMG! Can I have a new goat—”
“No, no, Esau. I mean God has been helping me. But I made these kids with my sperm.”
“Ew, gross.” Esau stuck out his tongue.
Israel waved at his family and they bowed down to Esau. “So, why did you bring four hundred men with you if you weren’t planning on destroying me?”
“Well… to be honest, I wanted you to see how successful I am, even though you stole from me. I have so many slaves—I mean, interns. Unpaid labor that I am the boss of. And what were all those herds about, anyway? I already have so many animals. My barn and pantry are overflowing with them.” Esau puffed out his chest.
“Well, they were gifts for you. So you wouldn’t, you know, murder us. Which is what I thought you were doing.”
“Keep them.”
“NO!” Of course, the brothers couldn’t get this far without fighting about something. “Take the herds. If you’ve really forgiven me. Looking at you is like seeing the face of God, which I have done, by the way, it’s really an interesting story, let me tell you I was—”
Rachel intervened. “Please don’t get him started on this. Just take the animals.”
Esau nodded. “Okay, I can make some sweet stew with them. Let’s go back to my home then, guys.”
Israel said, “NO. I mean… no, thank you. You go ahead of us. My family is a bunch of lame weaklings and my herds are nursing. They’re so soft, they’ll die if they work hard for one day. What are you gonna do? They’re millennials, born around 2000 B.C., of course.”
The youngest son, Joseph, who was ripped so much his arms were bigger than his head, said, “Hey, I’m gonna hit puberty soon, you’ll see!”
“Okay, okay,” Esau nodded. “Some of my men can stay with you to help.” Esau pointed at a random guy. “Hey, you, intern! Yes, you.” “No, no. God will help me. I don’t need some intern. They can never even get my coffee order right. What is this pumpkin spice trash anyway?” Israel dumped out his coffee into the sand.
His intern winced. “I was trying something new!”
So, Esau went home by himself, trusting that Israel would follow soon. Esau should have learned by now never to trust Israel.
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