After Joseph was born, Jacob gathered up his confidence and went to Laban. “Laban, I have worked so much for you. Give me my family, so I can go back home.”
Laban shook his head. “Please, please, stay. God is blessing me because you’re here. I can’t lose you. I will pay you anything.”
Jacob considered this. He really wanted to go home. He wanted to take care of his family. He wanted his mom’s stew. “I have worked well for you. I tended your flocks and you’ve been blessed. But now, I need to work for my family.”
Somehow, Laban still thought this was a negotiation. “Come on, Jacob! What can I pay you?”
“Nothing.” An idea came to Jacob. “Actually, how about you let me go to your flocks and take out every animal that is dark or speckled or spotted. I’ll take them as my wage. If you do this, I’ll keep working for you.” Leave it to Jacob to deceive.
Laban grinned. “Deal.” That day, Laban picked out all the marked animals and hid them with his sons. Like a perfect coward, he went on a three-day vacay as far from Jacob as possible.
Meanwhile, Jacob tended the flocks. He did a bunch of crazy superstitious stuff involving peeled branches in the water of the animals. He made sure the best animals mated by the branches. This would make an R rated episode of Animal Planet. With a little artificial selection and a lot of God’s help, he ended up with a strong, marked flock, while Laban was left with white weaklings.“Checkmate,” Jacob said under his breath.
Laban was not exactly sunshine and rainbows about this. Laban was no longer talking to Jacob and he would run to the other side of the room from him as if Jacob had cooties. Jacob overheard Laban’s sons gossiping among each other like mean girls.
“Oh my God, Brittany, did you hear about Jacob?”
“Yeah, he, like, totally took all of our dad’s stuff.” “Gross, he’s such a little thief. I knew it the minute he showed up here.”
“I bet Rachel’s in on it, too. Why else would she marry him? She’s way out of his league.”
Jacob prayed to God with a new urgency. He knew he really wasn’t welcomed by Laban and he didn’t even like Laban. God said, “Go back home. I’ll protect you.” Jacob called his wives to meet him by the flocks. “Rachel and Leah—”
Leah put her hands on her hips. “Why does her name go first?”
“Because I love her more. Anyway, your dad kinda hates me, but I’m not so fond of him either. He changed my wages a gazillion times and he cheats me every chance he gets. I’m done. God is on my side. I even had a dream where God came and was like, ‘Hey, Jacob, here’s the trick to get Laban’s flocks. Btw, I’m the God. Now, go home.’”
Rachel sighed. “That was a long speech, honey. But you’re right. Our dad sucks. He sold us to Jacob like we were nothing. And God gave all dad’s wealth to us. It must be God’s will. Let’s go.” Leah nodded her head.
Jacob and his family got on camels, packed up all their belongings, and gathered their flocks. Then, they set out for Canaan where Isaac was. Before they got more than a couple of feet ahead, Rachel said, “Uh, guys? I gotta go to the bathroom. You know, all those babies sitting on my blatter.”
“You only had one baby,” Leah said.
“Fine, but hurry,” Jacob said.
Rachel ran into the house and snuck into Laban’s room. She shoved all his household gods—statues, paintings, amulets—into her sack and came back out. “Dad doesn’t know we’re running, right?”
“Right. Let’s go.” So, Jacob and his family rode for a long while, crossing the Euphrates river and hills. They stopped in Gilead.
For three days, Laban was just going about his life. He was shearing his sheep, eating his beef, napping, until he realized he was missing about seventeen or so people. He screamed in frustration and gathered the rest of his family to hunt down Jacob. They roamed for seven days and finally reached Gilead, where Jacob camped. Laban napped again and in a dream, God came to him. “Dude, I am God and I want you to not say anything to my pal, Jacob—I don’t care if it’s good or bad. Zip it.”
Jacob was snoring in a tent when Laban came in. It was quite awkward since this tent was very tight and both men were tall. Laban said, “Jacob, you jerk. You lied to me! You stole my daughters like captives before I even had a chance to give you a nice goodbye, with food and wine and dancing.” Of course, Jacob knew this is not what would’ve happened. Laban didn’t have such a good track record with parties. Laban began fake sobbing. “You didn’t even let me kiss my family goodbye. You know, I could have hurt you. But God said not to do anything, and I don’t feel like facing his wrath. So I’ll somewhat forgive you for leaving. But one question: why did you take my household gods?”
Jacob was taken aback by the question. He had no idea that Rachel stole them. He was confident it was just an empty accusation. “Well, I left because I knew that you would take my family by force if I told you we were going. But I really didn’t take your gods. In fact, whoever has taken them can be put to death. If you don’t believe me, go ahead, search the tents.”
Laban went and searched everywhere: Jacob’s tent, Leah’s tent, the servants’ tent. He even looked on top of his head, which was where he always left his glasses. He found nothing. Then, he approached Rachel’s tent. Rachel heard Laban’s footsteps getting louder, and she scrambled around trying to find the perfect hiding place. There was nothing. Laban’s hand started to pull back the tent opening. She spotted her camel saddle and threw the gods in it. She assumed a position on top of it that she thought was casual but really wasn’t. She watched Laban enter and pilfer through the whole tent, flipping chairs and mattresses, pushing over stacks of clothes. She bit her tongue. Laban shook his head and cursed under his breath, “Nothing.” Then he eyed the saddle Rachel was sitting on.
Rachel thought fast. “Sorry that I’m not standing in your presence, dad. It’s just… I’m on my period.” She faked a groan and rubbed her belly.
Laban narrowed his eyes, but then his face softened. “It’s okay, Rachel. I hope you feel better.”
He left the tent but didn’t get far before Jacob noticed him. Jacob didn’t like that Laban was harassing his wives. He realized how unfair it was of Laban to act like Jacob was the thief, when Laban may as well have been wearing the ski mask. Jacob jumped in Laban’s face, yelling, “Why are you still here? What did I ever do to you? You searched through everything. I didn’t take anything from you and you know it! Do you know how much I’ve suffered? For twenty years, I’ve taken top care of your animals, paid for imperfections, burning under the sun and freezing under the moon. You kept changing my wages. I never slept. Twenty years. Without God, you would’ve taken everything. If you’ve got any beef with me, let’s let our relatives be the judges. I’m done with you.” Laban shook his head, “Everything I see is mine. The women? Mine. The kids? Mine. The flocks? Mine. But there’s nothing I can do to take them back. So let’s settle this with a covenant.”
“Okay, fine.” Jacob shouted across the camp to his and Laban’s family, “Guys! Get a bunch of rocks and make a pile right here.” They all stacked a pillar of stones, probably held together by some scotch tape (or whatever sticky stuff they had back then), in the dirt. This pillar represented the pact and God’s firm presence—and how much they liked pillars. Because the people of this time really liked to name stuff, they gave the heap of stones not one, not two, but THREE names: Jegar Sahadutha (witness heap), Galeed (witness heap too), and Mizpah (watchtower). They also wanted to name it Scotch on the Rocks but Rachel and Leah stopped them.
Laban said, “With this heap of rocks, God will watch over us. He sees you when you’re with my daughters. He sees you if you take other wives. He knows if you’ve been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake!”
“Well, that’s slightly creepy but at least he won’t creep into my chimney in the dead of night. It would be weird if anybody ever did that.” Jacob said.
“This heap is also a barrier. You won’t come to my side and I won’t come to yours if I’m, you know, planning to smother you in your sleep. Which I have thought about doing on several occasions—”
“Wait, what?”
“Anyway, do you agree?”
Jacob slowly nodded. He lifted up his hand and said, “I, Jacob, as a God fearing guy, make peace with Laban.” The guys hugged it out and had a huge feast with the other relatives. Now that the whole fleeing thing was settled, the family made sure not to bring up politics.
The next day, Laban woke up bright and early. He kissed his daughters and grandkids, said, “Buh bye,” and left for home.
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