Of course, Rebekah heard about Esau's tantrum—she would make an excellent tabloid reporter nowadays— and gave the scoop to Jacob. “Sweetheart, Esau keeps saying he wants to kill you. You know how hot-headed he is. Please, I don’t want to lose you. Go to my brother, Laban, for refuge until Esau gets over himself.”
Apparently, Rebekah was really intent on getting Jacob away, maybe so she could have some more ‘me-time.’ She talked to Isaac, too. “Honey, I can’t stand those disgusting Hittite women around here. Can you image Jacob marrying one or ten of them? Our bloodline would be so dirty, not to mention that I would have to find a spot for their bland potato salad at family dinners. In fact, if he married a Hittite, I would want to kill myself!”
“Babe, you’re being a tad melodramatic. Is it that time of the month?” As soon as he said it, Isaac knew he put his foot in his mouth. Also, Rebekah was way past menopause. He decided to change the subject. “So, how about this weather?” Rebekah gave him that no-nonsense look he was scared of. “Okay, fine, I’ll talk to Jacob.”
After Rebekah left, Isaac called Jacob into the room. “I need to tell you some stuff and this is totally my decision. I am not afraid of your mother. I don’t want you to marry any of the filthy Hittite women around here. Go to Paddam Aram, where your Uncle Laban is, and marry one of his daughters. Is it incest? Yes. Do I care? No.”
“Dad, this is a big deal. You want me to just leave? I was planning on living in your basement forever.”
“Jacob, I will give you another blessing if you go. Only one more blessing, but never—NEVER—again. Okay?”
The idea of yet another blessing intrigued Jacob. He decided to take it, vigorously nodding his head.
“Alright. May you have like fifty wives, which is normal. May you have like eight hundred kids, which is below average. May you have a lot of goats to make stew, which is wonderful! And may God give you the promised land.”
“Wow, dad, that is so great! Thanks. I love you, and I’ll probably never see you again, but let’s stay in touch, ma—” Jacob gasped and let out a huge sneeze.
“Bless you,” Isaac said. “Oh, crap, not again.”
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