Jacob didn’t hide the fact that he loved Rachel much more than Leah. In fact, he made a point of talking about it. “Oh my gosh, Leah, what are you doing here? Go make Rachel and I some stew. That’s all you can do.”
God was watching this happen and took pity on Leah. The next time she and Jacob slept together, God made sure Leah would become pregnant. She had a son, named Reuben (close to the word for, ‘he has seen my misery’). Basically, Reuben’s name was full-on emo. She held Reuben and said, “God, you have seen my misery. Maybe Jacob will love me now.” Then, she had another baby, which was crazy because Jacob rarely chose to sleep with her over Rachel. She named him Simeon, saying, “God heard no one loves me.” She popped out another son not much later and named him Levi, “Now that I have three sons, maybe Jacob will love me.” You can probably see where this was going. She had yet another son and named him Judah, saying, “Praise God!”
Rachel, throughout all of Leah’s baby-making, was still childless. She marched up to Jacob and said, “Give me babies, or I’ll die!”
Jacob narrowed his eyes. “Rachel, that’s really melodramatic. Also, it’s not me that’s the issue. God is keeping you from having babies.”
Rachel stomped her feet and thought, “If my lame sister can give Jacob babies, then so can I!” She went to her maidservant, Bilah, and brought her to Jacob. “If God is gonna stop me from having children, Bilah can have them for me. Jacob, impregnate my servant!”
Now, Jacob wasn’t going to say no to getting permission to sleep with another woman. He said, “Yes, honey, anything for you!”
Bilah had a son. Rachel held the boy and smiled, “God vindicated me! I’ll name this baby Dan.” How they went from naming babies Reuben, Simeon, Levi, and Judah, to DAN, is anybody’s guess.
Apparently, Jacob liked Bilah because they had yet another baby. Rachel put the boy on her knees (football position did not exist yet). She smugly grinned and pumped her fists in the air. “YES! Beat that, Leah! This round of Baby Battles is over, and I won! I’m now the Master Baby Maker.” None of that really made sense because she still had fewer babies than Leah, and she didn’t actually make any of the babies, but Jacob let her have her victories. She named the baby Naphtali, meaning ‘my struggle.’
When Leah saw that Rachel was filling her arms with babies, she sprung into action. She said, “Oh, no you don’t.” She got her maidservant Zilpah and said to Jacob, “Sleep with my servant and make some more babies.” Jacob was a bit more hesitant at this, but he listened to Leah. Zilpah bore a son and Leah named him Gad, saying, “What good fortune!” Zilpah then popped out another boy. Leah grinned and named him Asher. There was no way Rachel could beat her now.
Jacob started to get a bit uneasy at the point. As much as he wanted children, his wives were pushing it. These eight babies and counting were going to grow up and eat all of his stew. Jacob was too scared to say anything, though.
During the harvest, Reuben got some mandrake plants, which were roots that looked like babies. Mandrakes were thought to help you with baby-making (both the baby part and the making part). He gave them to his mom, Leah.
Rachel said to Leah, “Sis, can I have some of Reuben’s mandrakes?”
Leah put her hands on her hips. “So not only do you steal my husband, you want to steal my son’s mandrakes too? Will it ever be enough?”
Rachel rolled her eyes. “Fine. You can have sex with our husband tonight. Now, give me the mandrakes.”
Leah threw them at Rachel and readied herself for Jacob to come home. She made him some stew and positioned herself on his bed. When Jacob came in after a day of farming, he was startled. “Leah! What are you doing here?”
“Oh, silly! You have to have sex with me.” She giggled.
“What? Why?”
“Basically, I bought you for the night with our son’s mandrakes.”
Jacob paused. “That’s weird. But okay.”
Leah had another son (in case you’re counting, this was number five, not including the two her servant had). For some reason Leah thought God was rewarding her, saying, “Wow! God must have really liked that I gave my servant to Jacob for sex!” She named the boy Issachar. Leah, again, had a son (#6) and named him Zebulun. She said, “Now Jacob better honor me. I gave him SIX freakin’ sons. I am the Iron Baby Mama!” All these sons finally went to Leah’s head and she wouldn’t stop talking about how awesome she was. As if to shut her up, God gave her a daughter, Dinah. And with that, Leah was done having kids.
A little while later, when Jacob was lured into a sense of safety from having more kids, God thought, “Oh, yeah, barren Rachel still wanted more kids.” Rachel gave birth to a boy, who she named Joseph. This put the grand total of stew-eating babies at twelve. Ding! Ding! Ding! Game over.
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